Today school started again for me. I usually like to go back to school after the summer holidays, because I get bored and I want to see my friends again, but this time it’s different.
Since second grade (Dutch system, the year with the 13 and 14 year olds) I was best friends with a girl, I’ll call her R. You probably noticed that I used the word was in the last sentence, since a few months now we aren’t such good friends anymore.
This is what happened (well for as far as I understand it): in fourth grade there was a boy she fell in love with. After a while I noticed that she was changing because of him. She was acting bitchy to her friends, and particularly to me. After the Christmas holidays it got really annoying. She was getting really mad if I didn’t ask things nicely and she was telling me off for not just telling me everything I did every day every minute. The worst part was that she’d get even angrier if I expected from her to do the same as she wanted from me.
It was not getting better, after a few months she was even ignoring me without letting me know why. Once we were in a German lesson and there was only one place left so I sat down next to her. On her other side sat a friend of hers, so she started shoving her chair towards her and away from me like I had some kind of creepy virus. It was just so embarrassing. In the Netherlands people sometimes say they want to fall through the ground (I don’t know if it is something in English too) but I didn’t understand that saying until then. It was just so clear that she thought there was something bad about me, even the teacher seemed to see that.
That afternoon I texted her to ask what was going on. She answered that she didn’t want to talk about it through the phone so we planned to talk at school the next day. I was pretty nervous because I never know what to say when I’m upset and she always does, so I asked a friend to be there. I have repeated the conversation in my head that night for about a thousand times, but when she actually told me what was going on I was astonished. She said that I was like imitating a friend or something and that she warned me about her being unreliable and a bad friend. Then I told her that I could choose my friends without her help, she started yelling at me. She sad she got sick as a dog if she even thought of me and at that moment something snapped inside me and I started crying. We were in the canteen and there were pretty much students in there so again I wanted to just disappear.
We continued yelling at each other and she got angrier and angrier and I got more upset and just when I started feeling like it would never end she sad that I hurt her. I got possibly even more surprised than I already was so I asked how I had hurt her. After telling me that I surely knew that and just shouldn’t be such a hypocritical b*tch she told me that it was when I said in front of our friends that someone else was my best friend. She also told me that some of those friends came to ask her why we weren’t best friends anymore and that she answered that she didn’t know (I think it was pretty obvious, at least for her). For some weeks I didn’t know who I could trust because everyone proclaimed that they weren’t the ones that asked it. After a while I started believing that she made up at least a part of it. I still feel that I have done the right thing by telling about my new best friend, because she was already acting like I killed her dog or something like that.
So that is what happened two or three weeks ago and I hoped it would all be a bit more normal again by now. I clearly don’t want her as my friend anymore but I do want her to act like I’m not something gross. She is still acting like I’m not there and I’ve never been me and she had only said two (not really nice) things to me since our fight.
The months before our fight I felt like it could only get better after talking to her, but I’m still feeling as miserable as then. in the holidays I was alright, I even forgot about it for some time. The problem is that I am in the same class as she so I’ll have to see her everyday again, which means she’ll be also ignoring me everyday and I don’t know if I can handle that. In front of other people I’m just acting like I’m happy with her ignoring me, but it makes me feel so sad and worthless. I just don’t know how to get over it, I have even asked her to stop it but she wouldn’t listen.